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“I’m Right, You’re Wrong! and The Conflict Starts”

And this pattern is far more common than we like to admit.

From Romance to Responsibility

Many couples tell me, “We were so different when we were dating.”
They were playful, curious, forgiving. Small misunderstandings didn’t feel
threatening.

But when couples step out of the romantic era and into the responsibility era;
careers, finances, parenting, caregiving, cultural expectations the emotional tone
changes. The same partner who once felt exciting may now feel dismissive. The same
conversations that felt safe now feel loaded.

Two different personalities come together to form a couple. And with them come:

• Childhood wounds
• Parenting styles they grew up with
• Home culture and country culture
• Sometimes religious or generational beliefs
• Learned coping strategies; some helpful, some harmful

These invisible influences quietly shape expectations, emotional needs, and reactions.

Why Small Disagreements Become Big Fights

In couple therapy, I often hear:
“We fight over such small things.”
But the truth is the fight is rarely about the issue itself.

A small disagreement activates something deeper:

• Feeling dismissed like you were as a child
• Feeling controlled or criticized the way a parent once did
• Feeling unsafe expressing emotions
• Feeling unseen, unimportant, or overwhelmed

When these emotions are unprocessed, the nervous system takes over. One partner
defends. The other attacks or withdraws. Coping strategies clash and instead of
connection, the relationship experiences strain.

Over time, this pattern can lead to emotional distance, resentment, separation, and
even divorce.

A Hard Truth from 24+ Years of Practice

After more than 24 years of working with couples, I have realized something
important:

Communication is not the real problem.
Comprehension is.

One partner may express concerns calmly and positively but if the other partner is
emotionally flooded, triggered, or overwhelmed by their own inner world, the
message cannot land.

Words are spoken.
But they are not received.

Effective communication requires both expression and emotional capacity to receive.

Emotional Accountability Matters

Here is where growth begins and where many couples struggle.

As adults, we are accountable for our own emotions and behaviors.

If your partner’s behavior triggers you, healing does not come from demanding that
they behave better. It comes from:

• Understanding why you are triggered
• Recognizing your emotional patterns
• Learning to regulate your nervous system
• Responding instead of reacting

This does not mean tolerating harm.
It means learning to separate your past from your present relationship.

What Actually Helps Couples Heal

Couple therapy works, not because it teaches couples to talk more, but because it
helps them understand:

• Their underlying emotions
• Automatic behavioral patterns
• Personal triggers
• Cultural and family conditioning
• Different emotional “languages”

Some practical strategies couples begin to learn include:

• Pausing conversations when emotions escalate instead of pushing through
• Naming emotions rather than blaming behaviors
• Listening to understand, not to defend
• Taking responsibility for emotional reactions
• Creating emotional safety before problem-solving
• Respecting differences rather than trying to change each other

When couples slow down and become curious instead of critical, something shifts.
Conversations soften. Defensiveness reduces. Connection begins to rebuild.

Different Languages, Same Love

Many couples don’t lack love, they lack a shared emotional language.
If you feel:

• You both care deeply, but keep missing each other
• Conversations quickly turn into arguments
• Old wounds keep showing up in present moments
• Cultural or family expectations are adding pressure

You don’t have to navigate this alone.

At Mind Wings Counselling Services, we support couples in understanding their
emotions, communication patterns, and cultural dynamics, so love doesn’t get lost in
misunderstanding.

If you believe you both love each other but speak different emotional languages, reach
out to us at www.mindwings.ca

Healing begins with understanding, and understanding begins with compassion.